Chudding Out

This blog does not come from a particularly emotional place, but is rather just a reflection of my mental state over the last many months. When I say I’m “Chudding Out” I mean to say that I am not doing enough. I work out 5+ days a week, have friends I love seeing, am well paid, enjoy my work and those I work with, and travel earnestly. I am by no means depressed. I am happy, all things considered, but I feel a consistent gnawing at me saying I’m falling behind, I’m not who I say I am, the image people have of me is wrong, it won’t last. I’ve forgotten that this game is played over decades.

I put 6 products on my face every day because my skin can’t figure out how to stay clean, I haven’t had a passable haircut in months, all my romantic aspirations are fruitless, I spend all of my money on clothes and I can’t put together half an outfit, I’m indecisive on small things, I can’t carry a conversation of substance, I place too much weight on appearance, I’m constantly injured in 3 different areas and I’m healing slower than expected, my job is becoming less fun and I feel more replaceable, I spend too frivolously, I’m not pursuing people I really want to have relationships with, I’m not keeping promises to myself, my progress towards physical pursuits is stalling, I can’t decide what I want to learn, and if I do I’m finding it hard to dedicate any proper time to doing it.

San Francisco has a special way of making you feel inadequate in everything you do. Every pursuit is too shallow, your interests aren’t niche enough, your world views aren’t refined enough, you don’t learn fast enough, and how could you not already know that? Anything you do or aspire to do, there is someone who knows someone who is better than you and you must know about them.

I feel like I’m running 10 meters on 10 different tracks trying to catch 10 different people each running their own 100 meter dash. I’m comparing myself to the aggregate of the most talented people in the world who I used to dream about just knowing. There is probably some complacency here, and maybe I’ve lost the chip on my shoulder. But I think I’ve also lost perspective. I’m spending so much time looking above me that I’ve forgotten to enjoy how far I’ve already come. This game is played over decades.