Are you better than me?

This summer I was surrounded by smart people

from prestigious schools

in solid roles at impressive companies

doing real work that makes a difference…

I’m from a small school

in a position that no one knows exists

doing work without quantitative results

“Oh yeah, it’s more marketing stuff but I still code…” Why did I feel the need to prove myself?

For a job that requires talking to developers, why did I feel ostracized from the community I was paid to connect with? I can’t relate to your monotonous standup, I’m not waiting on someone to review my PR, I don’t have a Jira board. This is not imposter syndrome. I don’t think I’m “not cut out to be an engineer”. I’m not an engineer.

I started coding 3 years ago, Sophomore year of college. Looking back at my reddit history, I was asking where to write HTML in 2022, not knowing what VSCode was. Why am I comparing myself to the middle school game devs who had 6 YOE when I was in my intro to C class?

I spent a whole year rebooting my schools hackathon and didn’t have time for personal projects, internships, or Leetcode. Why did I place more value on understanding linked lists than understanding how to lead a team?

When I wrote the initial draft for this, I was mentally in a place I hadn’t been since high school. Fumbling my words because I wasn’t confident in what I was saying, wishing I was something I’m not, wishing the past had been different. Having now had the time to take a step back, I realize that you’re not better than me. You’re different. It’s easy to say now, but easy to forget when you’re overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy. I’m not in support of the “you’re competing against yourself” sentiment, but I do think it’s important to not let where others are affect how you proceed.